I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

If in doubt, make it sound convincing.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I'm so far behind I think I'm first.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet or how long ago it was cleaned

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Except when you want to prove this.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong..

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Whenever things sound easy, it turns out there's one part you didn't hear.--Donald E. Westlake

Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.

Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.

I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.

People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.

Things always look better when you can't see them.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.